Poem: "One of the Twelve"

I am sharing some of my poetry for National Poetry Month. It is dark on Holy Saturday.

One of the Twelve

I couldn't help myself
It all happened so quickly and I did what I thought I
Was supposed to.
He was marvelous!
I remember his soft brown hair and his hard words.
“Sell everything you have!”
Who could follow that?
He knew me. He knew what was in my thought,
In my eyes, in my purse.
I thought it was the right thing to do.
How the rabbis glared at me over the Torah stand
In the Temple stick with incense smoke
And hate.
Thirty silvers for you Judas,
Thirty! You, son of a no one, could be rich.
Oh, I am just like them!
I have killed my God!
That night,
I remember the room. Those narrow black stairs
That led to our door, our room.
I never intended to do it. That night
He passed the bread, was so peaceful,
The rough, quiet table
And carved oak cup, filled with friendship.
I felt at rest for the first time in my life.
All of us, the Beloved, James, even Thaddeus asked in wonder.
Only I got the answer.
“Go and do what you must.”
I had to do it,
He said I had to do it.
Those sinister coins tricked me,
The black pouch felt so heavy on my belt,
It was cool and smelled of myrrh.
So many times we had given coins away.
Oh I hate Him! With his stories and images
And ways of life and his Father!
They ruined me!
I have no glory, no kingdom, no friend,
Only a broken, lonely field.

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© October, 10 1988 - Scott Lawrence Lawson